The Running Horses and University
Now it has happened. I have run away with the horses and trampled everything in my path.
All this from a point of eager excitement and sheer joy to be going to university for the first time in my life at the humble age of 30.
With all this joyous excitement I could not understand how others on the course would not feel the same. Least of all was I able to emphasize when one of them said that they were stressed already, two weeks before university had even started!
I came to my senses only after reporting my eager curiosity to a friend, relaying how I can’t understand that people are stressed before even starting a project and figuratively outlined that I might have to slap them if they carry on like this for the whole course.
The responding figurative slap came straight back at me with my friend, equally just about to start a new course, saying: “I also feel stressed and worry that I won’t be able to manage.”
Oh this made me feel so sad and the figurative slap brought me straight down from my running horses.
How could I be so insensitive??
Me, who things she knows it all and has understanding for everything and everyone, emphasizing, feeling, being open and receptive. Possibly I’m just an egotistic dreamer.
I suppose that ideally I would want other people to become mini versions of myself, which is impossible.
Weirdly, I seem to cope best in crisis situations and have more trouble coping in mundane, everyday routines. Everyone is different, everyone has different coping strategies.
My enthusiasm to start university was further curbed by the first two days of introduction, where the emphasis appeared to be lying on the fact that most people in the course were scared out of their minds and worried, worried and worried about everything.
This seemed to be unintentionally reinforced by well-meaning course leaders who repeatedly asked if we were still worried followed by the supportive “don’t be”. So in the end even I, bold and brave as I am, began worrying that maybe I didn’t worry enough. Maybe I was too naïve thinking that this would be fun and interesting.
In the end I almost got angry, a very interesting emotion. Observing it arising was a little surprising and I’m still not quite sure what to do with it. Maybe I ought to channel it into creating more positively inclined future induction processes.
After all, I have come to the understanding that one of my tasks in this life is to pave the way, push through closed doors and widen horizons. In the end it doesn’t really matter whether I get acknowledged for it or receive a higher position because of it, but more so that I was the one who made it possible for others to get further. Like I’m the one who gives you a step-up to get over a high wall.
And actually, that sits with me quite well. I’m strong enough to take it. I just got to try and rein my horses in every now and again 😉