Dizzy Bliss vs Forgetfulness
I am nearing the end of my two week annual leave. The first half I spent excitedly exhibiting photos and decided it would be a good idea to spend the second week nurturing my soul, resting, slurping linseed tea (look here for why) and taking on Maya Fiennes “Journey through the Chakras“, the box set of which I had bought over a year ago, had received twice by mistake, given the surplus away to dear friends and never gone further than the heart chakra.
As my skin got smoother from the linseed tea, I ignored the arising anger after the base chakra workout and the dizziness from the sacral chakra routine while my body got more toned from the exercises and even though I still have the last DVD on bliss to go tomorrow I am already feeling pretty blissed out today.
On top of all this did I down a glass of warm water for breakfast each day, which turned into an intricate green consistency by adding wheatgrass powder, the effect of which I’m not quite sure but it had been sitting in my cupboard for a while now, similar to the yoga DVDs, and I was secretly hoping it would have some cleansing effect on my liver, which, according to my acupuncture lady, is pretty exhausted.
Fair and square, you know you had a good resting holiday if you are looking forward to seeing people again. So I joined a group of colleagues for a drink one evening. My peaceful state of bliss wasn’t so much shaken as that it simply rejected the stories of the last time everyone got drunk and the excitement of doing the same again tonight.
Not only did I feel like an alien invader to an unknown planet but at the same time I also felt like the biggest spoil-spoil for being all sober, trying to hide my insecurities behind my rather small glass of orange juice, defending my lonely position of non-drunkenness with lame excuses that I simply didn’t want to feel hangover and ill anymore. Also didn’t I want to revert all the good I had done to my body, most of all my liver, over the past few days.
I did have a shot because everyone had one and I thought it would be fun, but once everyone had put their empty shot glasses back on the table, ensuing a moment of silence in which the sweet strawberry-red liquid burned it’s way along our oesophagus, just about causing a heat sensation in my thighs and upper arms together with a very short moment of euphoria, nothing else happened.
Most of the people got more and more glass-eyed, hugging each other wildly and I simply wanted to go home, seeing that 10pm was way past my bed time. Did I really turn into a boring young adult that can’t see the fun in drinking anymore? Or did I simply find another tool to cope with the stresses of life so I didn’t feel the need to drown my sorrows anymore?
What is it people try to hide or forget when drinking themselves out of this world? The last time I got drunk was when I had come out of an emotionally abusive relationship and didn’t give a shit about anything. I was emotionally dead, or rather, didn’t want to feel anything. Looking at my colleagues, one after the other, I could see a similar pain in them. Maybe I made this up but I could understand why they felt the need to get drunk, to hide “just for tonight”.
And I also saw that they didn’t know any other way. Other ways offer themselves, but once again it is up to each individual to embark on another way. It can be challenging, they will need to want to change. Not everyone wants to do that.
And all the while I am well aware that to some this may sound like some boring spiritual talk, I did find another way, I did find myself and don’t need to hide myself, though I very much would have liked to on this evening.
I am somewhat socially awkward, avoid situation in which I might feel uncomfortable. For me, sitting on a table at which everyone is drinking alcohol and ask why you don’t, recounting their past moments of drunkenness doesn’t count to my most favourite situations.
On the other hand, meeting interesting new people during the week of the exhibition was fantastic. I learned so much from and about these people without actually talking about anything other than random, sober, moments in our life.
But whether forgetting about my past hurts with my dizzy bliss caused by Kundalini Yoga and Linseed Tea is any different than the forgetfulness caused by excessive alcohol consumption and group hugging I’m not sure, other than that your body suffers subsequently more during the latter, though hugging is generally considered nurturing to the soul.
I personally prefer a method that is least invasive and causes least stress to my body, the vehicle that is supposed to carry my mind forth as long as possible to make a difference in the world. Do what you like as long as your heart is in it! If that means loosing yourself in an illusion of yourself, then so be it. Only you yourself can get you out of it by a mere choice of heart.