I try to be still, breathing in and out, calming my thoughts, but internally I writhe and twist under my mental turmoil.
Nothing major happened, just an accumulation of occurrences that whirl around in my head, unable to find a niche to settle in.
Let’s try and create one. Where do I even begin?
It’s actually all down to other’s opinions and behaviours. Just why does it affect me that much? Is it because it stirs something in me? Connects to memories and experiences that unsettle me?
Like, being unable to deal effectively with confrontation and disagreements. It’s scares the hell out of me. It makes me feel very insecure. It makes me want to run away. And in running away I am very good. I swallow my anger, my frustration out of fear that letting it out will create unrest around me and rather silently disappear a few years down the line, when the build up has gotten too much.
Coupled with the anxiety I still feel when seeing people on the street that resemble an individual that caused me a lot of emotional trauma, I came home mentally exhausted and collapsed on the bed.
Now I was left facing the last issue which is infesting my mind. Irritatingly it goes back to my father issues once again. How many times?
There is a young dad who has decided he can’t be a dad yet. And whereas I know him I am nowhere near enough to him as to know the exact details. But every single fibre in my body wants to tell him to please consider what effect this can have on his child in the future. Purely based on my own father issues, or rather his non-existence.
Just who am I to tell him that, considering everyone else is already miffed with him after having made his decision. I wonder what made him decide he didn’t want a family. At the same time I know that it is completely different to the decision my father made 30 years ago.
It’s interesting to note that there is a young man, pretty much the same age as my father was when I was born, and I am watching the whole scenario from the position of a person sharing the same age and yet with the emotions of a child that wasn’t wanted by it’s father.
If I had the chance to talk to him what would I say? If I have had the chance to talk to my father at the time he decided against me, what would I have said to him?
Would I say he is making a mistake? Surely it is his decision, he can’t be forced into something he doesn’t want to do. Maybe it’s even better to not be there at all than being a crap dad because he can’t be bothered.
Would it help either of them to have the perspective of a 30 year old future child with all its faults and perfections, all its dreams and anxieties, all its hopes and fears?
Would it change anything? Would it make them reconsider? And least of all, what would it change for me?
Does tempering with other’s destiny solve anything in the long term? Or is it destiny that someone came and tempered with it?
Either way, I will have to think about it a little more, but for now at least it helped me put these thoughts into a comfy niche and put my mind at rest for the night.