The Crack in the Egg
Ok, the egg has cracked, and it stank to heaven (it was a foul egg by the way), and somewhere deep inside of me something else has cracked. I didn’t notice it at first, but it surely opened up to something that is neither tangible nor easy to understand or put into words. Words…whatevery they mean. But it is there. Right in front of me, and I shall follow, wherever it may take me.
I wasn’t even going to blog today. I’ve been feeling very tired the last few days. Worn down from the massive thought processes winding their way through the narrow passages of my brain, creating new links to old events and opening new doors to life.
I feel beyond caring what others think, and I usually give a great deal to that. But in all honesty, it is very, very tiring, tremendously exhausting to try and please everyone. And nobody, really nobody is giving a s*** about my worries and fears. They are my own, to hold and carry around.
Now I am soo excruciatingly tired of it, I am finally ready to let go of all self-imposed expectations that have been sitting on my shoulders for a time that feels like eternity. Instead I shouldered my inner child, so that I can finally grow up without being under continuous scrutiny by criticism and expectations, which my inner child simply couldn’t deal with. It is by far better off on its view point from where it can add to any situation without being personally affected.
Something is changing. I can feel it, yet I can’t name it. I am more at ease, less edgy. And though I might relapse every now and gain, my core runs at a different frequency. Is this what its like to grow up?
I remember the day I stopped chewing on my fingernails. I was 12 then and my fingers were in a truly horrific state. Many things I had tried but nothing would stop me from chewing on them again, until the day I decided that it was enough now. I have never chewed on my fingernails again since.
A few weeks ago I decided that it was time to let go of some individuals whose past encounters were seemingly holding a tight grip on my life. And I simply dropped them, just like that. They do not hold any power over me anymore.
I acknowledge that I have come a fair way to meet the person I am now. I am an idealistic dreamer, hopeful fanatic, full of pride and remorse, shaped by the past like the Grand Canyon by water. My present moment is here and there and everywhere, just never quite where it should be, subject to behaviour-controlling matter-forming molecules called hormones.
I am a lacking painter, fascinated photographer, marvelling spiritualist, exceeding health care practitioner, overwhelming story-teller, vivid scientist, aspiring world teacher, ambitious student of life, a human female with eternal heart, reluctant philanthropist, caring soul, eager explorer, never tiring first aider, bright eyed and bushy tailed, beautiful in the eye of the beholder, excessive thinker, homeland escapee, curiosity induced, certified graphic designer, foreign language secretary, clinical healthcare supporter, energy healer, acupressure massage therapist, contradicting my own rights, worrying warrior, inspirational individual, self-appointed entrepreneur, obnoxious perfectionist, incapacitated know-it-all, occasional musician, indigenous earth dweller, lover of flowers, trees, nature and all elements, enthusiastic gardener, excited vegetable grower, allusive cook, avid raw chocolate advocate, night sky watcher, sunrise lover, sunset marveller, moon notorious, trying self-imposter, peace-loving kickboxer, encompassing yoga practitioner, elusive new age meditator, a being on the verge of perfection and yet not perfected at all, aware that I know a lot, but not nearly enough to know at all.
Who will I be tomorrow?
Who will you be?
In all honesty, crack the egg!